In survey after survey, interpersonal communication skills are
consistently ranked at or near the top of a list of skills
necessary for career success. People who possess these skills
enjoy a richer personal life, better relationships at work and
more productive interactions with those around them. Teams with
members who excel at these skills are more productive and more
cohesive. No one is born with these "people skills." They are
the result of attention and practice. Here are five guaranteed
ways to hone your people skills.

1. Recognize differences in people and be ready to adapt.
Because we think of ourselves at operating within a norm, we
tend to see people who act and communicate differently from us
as deviating from the norm. As a result, we believe that one
communication style (ours) should fit all. Overcome this
limiting mindset by recognizing differences in preferences
and motivations among people.

If it's all about communicating you say, why do we need all the
distinctions? You don't use a rolling pin to chop vegetables
and you don't use a chef's knife to roll out bread dough, even
though it's all cooking. You have to choose the right tool for
the right job.

For example, a fundamental principle of adult learning theory
is that we have different preferences for acquiring knowledge.
Depending on those preferences, we'll be more effective in
communicating our message when we learn whether to emphasize
visual, verbal or tactile approaches.

People also have different motivations. Anne may be motivated
by the promise of a salary increase while David strives for peer
recognition. Discovering and applying the right motivation will
help you get the cooperation you need from others.

2. Learn to listen well. When people compliment someone on
being a great communicator, they often mean that the person is
a good listener. Although most of us will have had at least one,
if not several courses on reading, writing and speaking during
our years of formal education, have you ever taken a listening
course? We spend more time listening than in any other
communication activity. In fact, given how much time we spend
listening, it's neglect is surprising.

A major problem with listening occurs when we approach an
interaction with different goals. I may be listening to gather
information and solve a problem while my partner wants me to
listen so that I empathize with his or her feelings. If I'm
focused on generating solutions when my partner is looking for
support, I'll be perceived to be "not listening" or unsympathetic
to my partner's point of view.

Sometimes, what you see as a simple yes or no question designed
to elicit information will be interpreted as a criticism of the
other person. Don't become frustrated when your question is met
with more information than you expected. It's probably designed
to establish a context for the answer and explain the behavior
that your partner thought you criticized.

To improve your listening skills, you'll need to develop genuine
interest in your partner. Demonstrate your interest by seizing
opportunities to ask questions. Search for common ground and be
open to the possibility that you'll learn something new. There
is a wise old saying that we were born with two ears but only
one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we talk.

3. Realize that communication is more than just the words we
use. We take communication for granted because we do it so
frequently, but it's actually a complex process. While we are
all wired with the same hardware (brain), the software
(interpretive framework) varies tremendously among individuals.
This means that given the same input (behaviors or words), we
will reach different conclusions based on how we process that
data. There are three aspects involved: 1) What you mean to say,
2) How you code this thought into language that gets verbalized
and 3) How people interpret what you say. Consequently, there
is often a tremendous difference between what you say and what
someone hears.

Meant: "I know this is a big project, so I should chip in and
pull my weight."
Said: "I'd like to offer my help on the project."
Heard: "You're not doing this right, so I'd better become
involved."

Meant: "I'm very busy with all the projects I've been assigned."
Said: "I'll get to your task as soon as I can."
Heard: "Your task isn't as important to me as the other things
I'm doing."

Be sensitive to the non-verbal clues of your partner and explain
statements that seem puzzling or critical.

4. Learn to manage conflict rather than avoid it. We often
think of conflict as something to be avoided at all costs.
However, conflict is a natural part of human interaction.
Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict, important information
isn't communicated. Avoidance is only one strategy among many.
When an issue is very important to someone else, but of little
consequence to you, consider accommodating the person.

Managed properly, conflict can actually be beneficial. For
example, conflict provides a method to weed out faulty
assumptions and premises. Make a clear distinction between a
conflict with a person and that person's ideas. Show respect
for the person even when you disagree with the ideas. Learn
to manage conflict with the appropriate strategy rather than
simply to avoid it.

5. Be known for positive rather than negative interactions.
This doesn't mean you have to be an optimist on steroids. An
over-the-top optimist never recognizes a problem exists. A
pessimist never realizes a solution exists. When you
consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you'll become
known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer. People
avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.

A great way to demonstrate a positive outlook is in your
language. When someone thanks you, do you ever respond with
the phrase "No problem" or "Not a problem" ? If so, you are
marking the interaction by two negative words. Turn those
negatives into positives by responding "I'm glad to help" or
"It was my pleasure."

Developing excellent interpersonal skills requires recognition of
differences, listening, an awareness of the different aspects of
communication, strategies for managing conflict and an optimistic
outlook. People who choose to improve their interpersonal skills
can do so. Remember, an individual's interpersonal style is not
just "who he or she is." It is who he or she chooses to be.