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How to say no and mean it
No is not a dirty word. Relearn the art of using it and free yourself
from the chaos you create every day by saying Yes
'No', that two-lettered word, is notoriously difficult to say.
It is not until we can say 'no', that our 'yes' means 'yes', and our
'no' means 'no'. Saying 'yes' when you would rather say 'no' gives you
stress, which can cause physical symptoms, such as headaches, shoulder
tension and disturbed sleep. If it is someone else's problem, don't
allow them to pass it on to you. Learning to say 'no' puts you back in
control and can even improve relationships.
We may have difficulty saying 'no', because we think it is rude,
unkind or selfish. We may think that the needs of others are more
important than our own or that saying 'no' to small things is
small-minded or petty.
However, some people who find saying 'no' difficult are confusing the
rejection of a request with the rejection of the person making the
request. For instance, if someone asks you to join them for lunch when
you are in the midst of a piece of work, you may want to say 'no'.
This doesn't mean that you don't like the person or don't have time
for them, just that you are refusing their current request.
Be honest, calm and polite. It will help you keep control, and avoid
escalating the situation or alienating the other person. You will find
that people are happier to accept an honest 'no', rather than be faced
with indecision and a refusal later on. This can lead to frustration
and resentment on both sides, which in turn can be harmful to
relationships.
So, how do we say 'no' and mean it? Simple. Practice. Here are six
different ways to put yes on hold.
- The direct 'no'
When someone asks you to do something that you do not want to do just
say 'no'. No apologising, just be direct and succinct. For instance,
if someone is asking you to join them for lunch, you simply say:
No, no thank you.
- The reflecting 'no'
Here you acknowledge the content and feeling of the request and then
you add the assertive refusal at the end:
I know you want to talk to me about organising the annual department
lunch, but I can't do lunch today.
- The reasoned 'no'
This technique involves giving a brief and genuine reason for the
refusal without opening up further negotiation:
I can't have lunch with you because I have a report that needs to be
finished by tomorrow.
- The rain check 'no'
This is a way of saying 'no' to the specific request without giving a
definite 'no'. It is a prelude to negotiation. It's not a rejection of
the request, but only use it if you genuinely want to meet the
request:
I can't have lunch with you today, but I could make it sometime next
week.
- The enquiring 'no'
This is a way of opening up the request, to see if this is something
you want to do:
I can't have lunch with you today, but is there anything else you want
to talk to me about, other than the office Christmas lunch?
- The broken record
This technique can be used an awful lot - in all sorts of situations.
Repeat the simple statement of refusal again and again. No
explanation, just repeat it over and over. It is necessary to use this
with particularly persistent requests:
No, I can't have lunch with you.
Oh, please, it won't take long.
No, I can't have lunch with you.
Oh, go on, I'll pay.
No, I can't have lunch with you.
and so on.
Practising how to say 'no' helps you to stay in the driver's seat and
gives you greater control over your time and your life. So review
these six options and even if you think they haven't sunk in, next
time you feel a grudging 'yes' coming on you'll be surprised at how
easily that two-lettered word pops up to save the day.
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